


When the sun is powerless

by kireiflora



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, M/M, POV Second Person, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2016-10-21
Packaged: 2018-08-23 17:31:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8336572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kireiflora/pseuds/kireiflora
Summary: Tobio can't help but dwell on his life late at night.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically a vent fic I needed to get out so I could work on other things. The next chapter of ITLAO is pretty close to being done.

Honestly, you hate the sun.

It’s late at night, you’ve been trying to fall asleep for ages but you just can’t. You can’t shut your brain off, you’ve tried every old trick. Music, eyes closed, counting to ten over and over and over again, and all together. None of it works, your brain just won’t stop. Time won’t stop marching on, and the sun will rise eventually.

But your brain won’t stop dwelling on wrong you are. How you shouldn’t be a waste of your parents money, or other people’s time. But unable to quite feel the guilt you know should accompany those thoughts.

It’s been years. It’s hard to pinpoint when it started, but it was so long ago you can barely remember life not feeling like this. Just...unable to connect.

It scares you sometimes, how long you sit there doing something you enjoy, but in the back of your mind you’re wondering wouldn’t it be better to just be dead?

You do dumb things in a bid to die. You don’t eat for ages at a time because you’re not hungry and you kinda hope your body will just give up on you and let you die. You eat things you shouldn’t, things you might be allergic to. You don’t take medicine or tell people if you have a physical issue until it’s just too annoying to try and deal with on a daily basis. 

You just want death to claim you already, but it won’t.

You don’t react right to people’s jokes, your own are composed of mostly death, or self depreciation (so you don’t voice them, you just think them). You don’t react right to people at all, if you’re honest. You don’t understand why you can’t just be normal, why you can’t just laugh and have a good time with the people around you.

The number of people you count as friends is small, but even then you can’t bring yourself to tell them how you really feel. You bite down on the urge to say so many things to them, to confess all these wrong feelings, the lack of feelings. It’s not like they don’t know you’re different, you’re weird, you don’t know how to smile right (you just can’t drag up the false happiness to make it look right and you hate it), it’s hard for you to communicate with people, you struggle to find the words and just snap instead, or remain silent. It gets you into trouble.

Even when people compliment you it feels fake, it feels like they’re just lying to you so other people don’t think poorly of them. You know that you’re nothing special, that you’re just another random person in the grand scheme of things, that you’re nothing compared to other people. Like Oikawa.

You’ve probably spent a solid year of your life staring at the wall or ceiling, in either complete mental silence or thinking about death.

On the good days, it’s terrifying. Because you can look back on how you feel the other ninety percent of the time and know how messed up it is, how disturbing it is.

It only furthers your resolve to say nothing to anyone.

On the good days you look at what you’ve done and you feel such strong pride you could be bowled over by it. You’ve done so well, you’ve done pretty amazing things.

But you can’t cling to those thoughts, those feelings, they fade faster than warmth in a blizzard.

You try to keep a log of the nice things people have said, and try to look at them on the bad days but you...you still don’t believe them. You only believe them on the good days, when you’re feeling proud. Then those compliments feel real.

On the good days, you feel like you matter.

On the good days, you think people might actually like you.

On the good days, you flee from any thoughts that aren’t happy. You can’t drag yourself down on these once a month days, you just can’t. You have to enjoy them to the fullest.

On the good days, you get nothing done. You’re too busy pushing everything that could upset you away and enjoying what’s left that everything gets pushed to the wayside.

Not that they get done on the bad days either.

You know it’s wrong, it’s selfish of you to feel this way. You know you should be grateful for the chances you’ve had, for the life you have. But you just can’t It’s hard to be grateful for anything when you feel so dead inside, when most of your waking moments are filled with thoughts of death.

Your parents say you’re ungrateful, and you are, but it’s not for lack of trying. But it’s not enough, nothing’s ever enough. Everything you enjoy, everything you care about, gets sucked into a black hole inside you. Nothing’s enough to fill it. It just eats up your happiness.

The good days are the day it sleeps. When nothing is there to gobble up your happiness.

But when it wakes up, it wakes with a vengeance. You go from fine to feeling like you’ve never wanted to die any stronger than this moment.

It’s horrible.

It makes you want to cry.

You don’t understand why you can’t just be happy, or at least content. You’re at a great school with a great team, playing the sport you love! But the happiness fades so fast.

You’re stupid, your grades show it. You try to force yourself to do the work but...you just can’t. You stare at the page for an hour without managing to do a single thing. You hate how it makes you feel, you know you should be able to do this, and on the good days, you can! You’ve blown through all your homework in a couple hours when the mood takes you! But it’s so hard to force your brain to just think and get it done. Unlike Oikawa.

You can only talk to Hinata really, he ignores how awkward and grating you are, you don’t know how he manages it really, but he’s the only one that you’re actually able to talk to with ease. Unlike Oikawa, who gets along with everyone.

You play volleyball, you’re a setter, you’re good at what you do, or so everyone tells you. But if you were, your previous team wouldn’t have abandoned you. Unlike Oikawa, whose teammates heckle in a playful way, who teams are sad to see go.

You can remember the day Oikawa almost hit you. It’d been a good day and you couldn’t even process what was happening, never in a million years had you thought something like that would happen. You blocked it out so well you completely forgot the incident until a week later, on a particularly bad day. Your brain dragged it up, screaming ‘See, see _everyone_ hates you! Why aren’t you just dead already?!’

You still haven’t really processed it. You shove it to the back of your head with everything else, fighting to keep from thinking about it.

But late at night, when it’s dark and your mind is just circling, it’s right there, with everything else. All the other proof you’re worthless and nobody likes you and why are you even still alive?

You’ve read about people who cut, and it has a certain draw to it, you will admit. It scares you though, the thought of cutting yourself and seeing your blood well up and start flowing out of your body, terrified of someone seeing if you were to give into those urges.

You fear self-harm...it’s probably the only reason you’re still alive. You’ve never had enough energy mixed with enough will to die to look up a painless way, or get your hands on it.

You once again wonder, why? Why can’t you just be normal?

The sun is rising now, and you haven’t slept. You’ve been up all night, again. You start to shake off the mental exhaustion and all these pointless feelings. You need to get up, get dressed, and go out and face the day, play volleyball, and everything else.

You consider Hinata, who managed to make volleyball bearable again...you might love him, but it’s so hard for you to understand your feelings. The most you can say for sure is that you care about him, a lot. The most, from your limited friend pool.

Poetic people would say Hinata should be your sun, what keeps you happy, what keeps you going, what stops the void inside you.

They’re wrong, it can only hold for a few seconds. Hinata doesn’t deserve to go through the effort it would take to do much more than that.

The sun is powerless against a black hole.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you uh...enjoyed it?


End file.
